This year, Pride had a completely different meaning than it did before. I came out as Non-binary to my friends over a year ago, but a lot has changed since then. The current administration was throwing hate at the Trans community even before they knew they would be in office. It’s no secret that we’ve become the target of a lot of unwelcome attention, not just across the United States, across the world. For me, that’s one of the main reasons I started this blog.

It’s been painful to watch the media and those who have fallen for the guise run the show, saying all these things that I’m not. They don’t know the slightest thing about me. They don’t know my passions, my dreams, or my friends. They don’t know my favorite pizza topping or why I am in the career I am. Worst of all, even if I explained all this to their face, they would never hear me. I reject that.

Giving Until There Is Nothing Left To Give

People pleasing filled my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love to give. Being able to provide for the people that mean the world to me is a core value of mine. However, it comes at a great cost if not managed well. When you give so much of yourself to everyone else, how much is left for you at the end of each day? Can you recognize yourself after you’ve given too much away? I reject that.

I’ve lost myself to other people this way. I used to think that the people I let into my inner circle were safe to be myself fully. I could ask if they felt the same way I do about gender or how sexuality felt to them. I didn’t have resources to point me in the right direction so I relied on them to help me learn about myself. The problem was, they didn’t know either. So when they disagreed or felt it was weird, I would close myself up so fast. The closet was safer because it meant keeping people in the circle. I reject that. 

The Unseen

See, I let people-pleasing go way too far. I allowed people who didn’t have my best interests at heart tell me how I should be. It didn’t take long for me to feel terrible about myself and left me feeling just so alone. What was more infuriating is how often it would happen. I loved school and wanted to be the best I could be, but no one listened when a teacher saw I had ADHD. In 8th grade, I discovered my queer sexuality, but everyone said it was a phase. Right out of graduate school, I discovered I was nonbinary. I stayed silent. Until then, experience taught me I’m different and will be treated as such. My spouse and best friend were safe. No one else needed to know. I reject that.

Silence breeds shame. Your darkest secrets linger in the unspoken spaces of your mind. The anxiety increases the more you lie to yourself about who you are. If all of this was a choice, why would someone choose to be so miserable to fit in? The game exhausted me. The masking wore me out. I wanted more for myself. I wanted more for my spouse. Of course, safety is a major consideration that every LGBT+ person needs to consider. I hate that things like safety have to be a discussion when you just want to be yourself but the reality of the world is plain to see. That, however, does not mean it is not possible. I refuse to allow violence to breed silence in my life anymore. I reject that.

New Beginnings

That inner circle is a lot smaller now. My people are people that see me, all of me. The queer little nonbinary gamer that just loves tea, a good gaming experience, and cozy environment. When my wife and I wanted to go out for Pride, we did. We celebrated at my very first drag show. It was beautiful! The amount of queer people surrounding me completely overwhelmed me. No one was afraid, or at least they didn’t wear it on their faces. I had never been around such confidence and love for humanity before. It was awe inspiring, but also showed me how scared I was in life. I reject living that way anymore.

I want to be seen for myself. Pride is a celebration of self, of community, and of unity. I’ve always known that intellectually. But this year, Pride was a rebellion for me. Pride was a riot. A rejection of the standard put in place to keep people in the dark. I will be living my life as myself and the only person that needs to be okay with that is myself. No matter what the news says, I still leave the house and go to work. I will still show up here and tell all you about my recent video game venture. This is my way of rebelling.

Looking Forward

You can tell me that I shouldn’t exist or that ‘they/them’ isn’t an option. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still standing here. I can’t be erased or forced into the dark. This blog is a video game blog, but it’s also a non-binary centric place for community. This is a place to be seen and heard. If you identify like I do, I hear you. I see you. Know that you are loved. Know that you are valid. Reject the ideals that try to tell you otherwise. It will not be easy, but you are not alone.

 I plan to embody this perspective I have gained this year into my future. For me, that means some wardrobe changes. I want to better fit my style and personality in the clothes I wear. If anyone has good guides in cutting t-shirts for wide open sides and no sleeves, leave a comment below! But it also means being more forward with my pronouns for me so I can break down the internal misgendering. I’m following my truth by focusing on what actually builds me up instead of conforming to the daily grind I was raised to believe in. Most importantly, I will be focusing on connection with community, online and offline. If you would like to join me on that journey, let me know in the comments below or contact me. There’s more plans for the future. But for now, living my truth is the start. Let’s Connect.

_{This post is not sponsored. All thoughts and opinions have been made independently through experience and time spent}